Speed up, you move too slow!

Aloha everyone!

This is the biggest gripe by far ^^ of all the complaints I hear about computers and even though I have broached this subject before with brilliant insight and tongue-in-cheek genius, but I thought I would revisit this and related issues for your amusement and perhaps, edification.

So, your computer is ‘slow’. It couldn’t be the nut attached to the keyboard, could it? LOL…

zOMG! we have such wild and unreasonable expectations of everything. We kick and scream inside our heads when the elevator stops on a floor we weren’t expecting to let someone on or off and they are only going ONE FLOOR! (“USE THE STAIRS YOU LAZY COW!” You scream!) Of course if we need to go one floor on the elevator, it’s entirely justified. Because of course we are, well, us.

That is kind of the point of what I am driving at. Your perspective of ‘speed’ is skewed because of the pressure on you and the expectations you have for everything. I get it, I am right there with you, but when it comes to computers, I just have such low expectations.

If they even boot up and get to the internets I am overjoyed because of the sheer complexity of the whole of it. It is really quite amazing. But I digress. Your computer will NEVER be as fast as the 1st time you turn it on. NEVER. So learn to get along with what your computer needs and you will be less stressed and get more done.

I often hear, ‘This system is so much slower than my home system.’ LOL. I mean, duh. Your home system is not required to authenticate to a server, run security scans and service requests to large hosted databases. Seriously, these are NOT home systems, they are working machines.

One of the best things you can do for yourself is to reboot your system at the end of the day, log back into the network and then secure your system by locking the screen (CTRL + ALT + DEL , Lock This Computer, for you noobs) and turning off the monitor.

When you come back into the office the next day, updates and scans are finished and the system is all warm and ready to provide you with the benefit of its multi-core processor. But even getting people to do this 90 second procedure is tough. Some users think logging off is the same as rebooting. (It’s not) Some users think that just leaving it running with everything open is just as good. (It’s not)

Despite how I present ways to enhance your computing experience, I meet resistance and derision of the systems, the network, the programs, etc. But when you use things how they are meant to be used, they respond accordingly.

Is this all your fault? No. Do computers suck sometimes? Yes. But how do I tell the difference between a squeaky wheel and a legitimate complaint? It’s all in the way it’s presented. If you have a problem, you need to be able to reproduce it on demand. If you provide a ‘this is slow’ or ‘this crashed one time’ kind of vague complaint it sounds more like whining than someone who has a problem that needs to be resolved.

To let you down even further, lower your expectations of what you want computers to do and instead, work with them. Don’t open and close your applications all day long. Every time you do that you reduce available ‘memory’ for your system. Leave your programs open and move between windows as needed, but try to keep the windows down to an ‘as needed’ basis.

Not all programs get along with other programs. They don’t play well together. That is a tough nut to crack because each program believes that it is the reason you are on a network and have a computer. They could care less your other programs crap out when they are in command.

Do me a favor though. When you do have a crash or an identifiable problem, screen capture and or document the instance of the problem so that we can search for solutions and fix your problem. To screen cap simply use CTRL + PrntScr to grab the active window, then paste it into an email or into WordPad and send it to us. Voila!

For more obscure issues without an error screen, document the problem. As in, every time I do A., B. happens. It helps us help you.

That is really what this is all about. We want to help you be productive and (reasonably) satisfied with your professional computing experience. But it takes two to tango and we need you to follow these simple directives so we can all get along.

Thanks for listening and Happy Monday!